If you've read any of my blogs or have seen me in the volleyball community I am certain you can tell that I am blessed to have a job/career that I thoroughly enjoy. Over the years I have considered other career options but at the end of the day I am certain this is where I am meant to be. And because I love doing this I love watching the world of volleyball. I watch the interaction of families in the bleachers, I look at the relationships coaches have with their players, and I watch the players and how they respond to both their parents and the coaches. Our world is an interesting ecosystem, I am not familiar with other youth sports, but I hear we are a different community.
Because I have done this for so long, over 20 years, I have had a long time to see the differences in programs, coaches, and teams. What makes us all different? I believe it has to do with our understanding of what this is all about. Every program has a different emphasis, each coach is a different person, and athletes (families) have their own agenda.
As we begin the competitive season there is, no doubt, going to be challenges. I am already aware of "drama" stirring in different programs and teams. There are already misunderstandings and miscommunications. And there are already people considering leaving a team/program because it has become too difficult. But there are also people thrilled with the program their daughter is a part of. There are people excited with the coach of their team. And there are parents seeing positive changes in their child because of the environment they have become a part of. So the question I go back to, is what makes us all different? How can one player or team be struggling while others are thrilled with their good fortune?
The answer is "what it's all about". Why do we direct clubs and coach players... what's it really all about?
If you find yourself in a situation of being unhappy or distressed for your child I would encourage you to look at the people surrounding you, look at the program you have become a part of. Programs advertise their motives by their actions, look at the director of the club, we are the people who set the tone of the program. Is the director a person of integrity? Is the director honest and sincere? Does the director have your child's best interest at heart or is winning or collecting fees more important? If you do not know the answer to these questions I guarantee it will only be a matter of time. If you are aware of the director's motives, and they are not driven by integrity, then you may have placed your child in an unsafe environment.
In most cases, people have spoken about the challenges they have had with certain programs and directors. I am not sure you can believe everything you hear but when a majority of people are saying the same thing about a program you may want to take note. Of course, we are people and we can not please everyone so there is certain to be some negative press about every program. For those of us who have been around for a while, and have seen success, we also have to deal with the competition saying negative, and at times, horrible things about us. But the best way to find out about a program or a director is to talk to other families who are/have been a part of the program. If you find yourself in a difficult spot think back to the things you have heard about your club director and their program.
If you find yourself in a challenging situation with your child's coach don't be surprised if you are in a program that has a reputation of "mistreating" their athletes. Programs tend to attract coaches that are like minded. Occasionally a program will have a coach or two that does not line up with the director's vision, even I have had to remove coaches from my program that did not have the character that Southwind Rising is know for. Take a look around at the different coaches in the program. Ask yourself, "is this coach honest? Have they given me an honest assessment of my child or have they told me things that they thought I would like to hear?" Another question to ask is, "is this coach truthful? Have they been truthful about the team or even personal things outside of volleyball?" And I believe the most important question to ask, "is this coach trustworthy? Can I trust this coach to have my child's best interest at heart?"
As much as we are professional coaches it is our personal beliefs and attitudes that drive us as coaches. If your coach has "drama" or conflict outside of volleyball then they will have "drama" and conflict inside of volleyball. Believe it or not, some coaches produce their own drama. I believe some coaches ensure there is drama in order to make certain they have an excuse for their teams poor performances. If a person is unhappy with themselves or their life it will show up as they coach. If they are driven by their ego then their first concern will be "what is in it for me?" Your child will not be their first concern. If you're not completely aware of what type of coach you have it only takes a few minutes to visit with families who use to play for the coach. Some red flags... If a coach had a successful team, that made it to nationals, but loses all but one or two of those athletes. If a coach has jumped from club to club, I would say three clubs in three years. If a cloud of "drama" follows that coach or any of her former players because of their association with her (not that her former players are happy about the drama). If a coach can only say negative things about a former professional relationship or former club. If a coach has asked an athlete or her family to lie. This is just a short list, talk to families who have played for the coach and you will find your answer on whether she/he is a person of integrity who is honest, truthful and trustworthy.
So what do you do if you find yourself in a difficult situation? The first thing to do is look around at the director, their program and their coaches, be aware of what you are dealing with. The second thing to do is to remember what it's all about.
It is about the athlete and the experience they have playing club ball. It is about developing young people to be confident and successful. It is about being people of character and integrity. Playing sports can teach our children very negative qualities or the very best of what we are meant to become.
The past year, for me, was very difficult in many ways but in the end it was one of the best years of my life. I have heard the term "the gift of cancer", can't say I really like it, but I now understand it. I am determined even more to be a person of integrity, to be honest, and to live my life to the fullest. I have been "called" into this profession and I am certain that we, as directors and coaches, must ask ourselves "what is it all about?" The answer is "developing people", we can have either a negative or positive effect on these young lives. How do we develop people? It begins with relationship.
We are professional coaches and that is our relationship with our athletes. We can not be their friends, their parents, or their counselors. Once we step over the boundary of professionalism we lose the ability to influence them in a positive way. It is always nice to be liked but it is more important to be respected. Is is always nice to have families you get along with and enjoy spending time with but if we are to do our jobs, for the benefit of your children, it is more important that we draw some boundaries. It is always nice to have players return to us but in the end we have to let our athletes move on, if a coach can not allow your child to move to a new opportunity consider that a red flag.
So now that you have taken a good look at your surroundings and your child is in a difficult position remind yourself what this experience is about... the betterment of your child. I believe even difficult situations can benefit the athlete. Take this opportunity to teach your child how to deal with challenging situations and/or difficult people.
- Remember we are people too, coaches are not perfect. Approach the coach with an open mind and believe and hope for the best. Most of us do not want to deal with conflict so come to us for clarification before you become upset, angry, frustrated, or defensive.
- Set up a time to meet, do not spring a meeting on your coach or director.
- The goal is to work together for your child. Most teams have 8 - 11 players and it is impossible to play every child every minute of a match. You are looking out for your child while we are looking out for all the athletes and the team as a whole. Ask questions like "what does my daughter need to improve on to be on the court?" What else can we do to help her become a better volleyball athlete?" "Can you clarify your goals as the coach for the team and my daughter?"
- Remember who you are dealing with, what is the track record for the coach and director? Are they known to be open and to work towards resolution? Or is their history been "drama" filled and they are always right and never wrong?
After visiting with the coach or director, remind yourself, it's not always about the winning but it is always about developing people. Move forward with that thought and make decisions based on the qualities you'd like to see in your child. Challenges don't develop character they show character... what type of character do you want your child to have?
This past year was truly a blessing and I can speak from personal experience about challenges and character. When I was not able to fight for myself, when others where taking advantage of my illness, when life wasn't fair it would have been easy to become negative, vindictive, and quit. I looked at the illness and the people taking advantage of my situation and realized what and who I was dealing with. Regardless of what was surrounding me I chose to be positive, I chose to be fair and honest, I chose to stay and do what I have been "called" to do. I would not have been able to do those things without some good friends, friends who said things like, "do the right thing", "walk in love", "take the high road". I would not have come through to this side without my personal belief in God. I held on to what was good, and right and just and in the end it has all worked out better than I could have expected.
So if you find yourself in a tough situation surround yourself with good people, remember your own character and what you'd like your child to see and become, and trust that next year at this time things will be better than you could have imagined.
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